The Silent Abuser: Our Own High Expectations and Perfectionism for Work, Home, Family
The expectation to excel on all fronts of your life simultaneously can leave you feeling strained, overwhelmed, and drained. This strain is amplified for those of us who have endured trauma in the past, as these high expectations can evoke painful memories and emotions that are difficult to manage.
Trauma and High Expectations: A Complex Intersection
Previous experiences of trauma, such as abuse or neglect, can intensify the challenge of meeting societal expectations. The pressure to attain perfection, to constantly excel, can trigger feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness. Balancing work and family responsibilities can resurrect old wounds, stirring emotions of shame, guilt, and fear.
Even contemplating the effort required to achieve equilibrium can evoke these emotions and memories, making it seem like an insurmountable task. However, it's crucial to remember that despite past hardships, you are deserving of a fulfilling, balanced life—one where self-care and the needs of loved ones are prioritized.
Finding Your Equilibrium: Strategies for Success
Achieving balance is a highly individual journey, but there are strategies that can aid in the process. Begin by identifying your priorities and values. What truly matters to you? What brings you fulfillment and contentment? Once you've identified your core values, you can make decisions that align with them.
Moreover, it's essential to permit yourself to ask for help when needed. You don't have to navigate the challenges alone. Reach out to friends, family, or professionals for support. And above all, practice self-compassion. Acknowledge that you are doing your best, and it's okay to prioritize your well-being and happiness.
Reframe, reframe, reframe!
Reframing expectations can be a powerful way for to align yourself with your authentic self and cultivate a sense of fulfillment and well-being. Here are some strategies that you can use to reframe your expectations and live more authentically:
Identify Your Core Values: Take some time to reflect on your values and what truly matters to you. What brings you joy, fulfillment, and a sense of purpose? By clarifying your core values, you can prioritize activities and commitments that align with who you are at your core.
Challenge Societal Norms: Question societal expectations and norms that don't resonate with your values or priorities. Just because something is expected of you by society or others doesn't mean it's right for you. Give yourself permission to challenge these expectations and forge your own path.
Set Boundaries: Learn to set boundaries that protect your time, energy, and well-being. It's okay to say no to commitments that don't align with your values or that drain you emotionally or mentally. Setting boundaries allows you to focus on what truly matters to you.
Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion as you navigate the process of reframing expectations. Recognize that it's okay to make mistakes or veer off course. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend.
Focus on Authenticity: Strive to live authentically by being true to yourself and your values. Embrace your uniqueness, quirks, and imperfections, and allow yourself to express who you truly are without fear of judgment or criticism.
Cultivate Gratitude: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude by focusing on the things in your life that bring you joy, fulfillment, and gratitude. By shifting your focus to the positive aspects of your life, you can reframe your perspective and find greater contentment and satisfaction.
Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive individuals who accept you for who you are and encourage you to live authentically. Seek out friends, family members, or mentors who uplift and inspire you on your journey of self-discovery and growth.
By implementing these strategies, you can reframe expectations and live more authentically, aligning your life with your values, priorities, and true self.
References:
Lim, B. H. (Phylice), Adams, L. A., & Lilly, M. M. (2012). Self-Worth as a Mediator Between Attachment and Posttraumatic Stress in Interpersonal Trauma. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 27(10), 2039-2061. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260511431440
Egan SJ, Hattaway M, Kane RT. The Relationship between Perfectionism and Rumination in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy. 2014;42(2):211-223. doi:10.1017/S1352465812001129
